Resolving conflict

A reluctance to deal with conflict  constructively hurts our world. Good ideas remain unspoken, people create silos, and leaders don’t get the information they need because everyone is afraid to bring up potentially contentious issues. Mishandling conflict also wreaks havoc on relationships. Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it? They ooze resentment.  If they are loud and ‘complainey’ they aren’t very nice to be near either.

In People Skills, a classic text ,  Robert Bolton describes  twelve  common communication barriers. These “roadblocks” include making assumptions about people,  diagnosing, judging and labelling, and finding solutions for them. They  mostly occur because people underestimate the importance of listening.  Bolton  explains how acquiring the ability to listen, assert yourself,  and work out problems with others by using the correct words,  will help you build rapport,  maintain self-esteem and  be able to repair  relationships.

One  of  Bolton’s most important messages is that to defuse a tense situation,  both sides need to have have been heard.  If you imagine two people each have a bucket  and one empties theirs over the other, the person whose bucket is empty feels great, but it’s pretty awful for the person who’s covered in muck.

If you handle a confrontation well, no-one should  be covered in  muck. You can only sort out a misunderstanding  or resolve a disagreement   if  you’re both willing to  hear what the other person has to say.

So here’s how to make it work:

1. LISTEN.  There is often a dislocation between what you said  and what they heard. Set aside your assumptions. Hear the other person out and let them know you’ve done so, before you step in with questions or start defending yourself. Listen for more than facts. Try to determine what the other person is feeling by paying attention to his/her non-verbal messages. Check it out with the other person: “What is really going on here?” “You sound angry. Is it because of something I said?” Repeat back to the person what you think he/she said. Verifying what you meant will prevent misunderstandings and will ensure that you are both clear about the issues.

2. COMMUNICATE assertively. This means stating your wants and needs in a respectful and honest manner, while recognizing that the other person also has legitimate wants and needs too.  Use “I” messages, assuming responsibility for how you feel,  not  blaming or accusing. It is never alright  to say “you always do …”  or  “you make me feel …”,  not if  you genuinely want  to sort the disagreement out.

3. TOLERANCE and respect. Try to wear  the other person’s shoes. Consider his/her viewpoint. Ask yourself: “What does she want?” “What might he be afraid of?” Adopt the position that people aren’t purposefully trying to be mean, hurtful, difficult, etc. Their behavior reflects their way of protecting themselves from getting hurt, feeling anxious, etc. They may not know how to communicate effectively to resolve conflict.

4. FOCUS on the issue. Describe specific behaviour that is creating problems. Do it impartially, don’t label, judge or evaluate people, and don’t focus on personality characteristics or  bring in unrelated matters that will increase the conflict. If you find things  getting worse, agree to come back and discuss the problem at a later time – when you both have had a chance to calm down and get focused.

5. EXPECT  THE POSITIVE. An attitude of “He’s so unreasonable. We won’t be able to settle anything.” is  self-fulfilling. Thinking in this way will almost guarantee that you act and communicate in a way that the conflict won’t be resolved satisfactorily. Instead, tell yourself “We can work this out. We are both rational, mature people.” “She’s not trying to make my life difficult. We can work this out if we really listen to each other.”

Thats a lot to take on board, but the book  itself  gives you detailed scripts  and cues you can use.

How to start?  I suggest you “Ban the BUT”.   Try getting through a  whole day at work saying ‘AND’ instead.  “I appreciate what you’re saying and ….. ” or “I understand what you’re saying and ….. or “That’s a good point and …..”  Rather than negating what the other person said (as the word “but”  does), by using the  “and” you  link to what they have said in order to express your point of view.  You have to really listen to the other person before you can make  your  point. It’s  an effective way to express an opinion without creating resistance or conflict. Try it, it works.

By being more aware of the words that you use, you  can build rapport with the other person, acknowledging their point of view and creating an environment of mutual respect.