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It took ten years for the Bringing Them Home Report to become the subject of an official apology. It’s a national reminder of how hard it can be to say sorry.
Despite (or because of ) the delay, Kevin Rudd’s speech had enormous symbolic significance. It was an important gesture, and at the time at least, it served its purpose. He had a big message, which was simply stated in direct language, using strong but controlled emotion. You can watch it and read the transcript at the end of this post.
Acknowledging the harm you’ve done is highly potent. It is interesting that ‘truth and reconciliation commissions’ have now been used in South Africa, Philippines, Sierra Leone, East Timor, Liberia, Argentina – to name just some. Psychologists say they do seem to play an important role in healing after violence and trauma, by promoting reconciliation, and breaking the silence of repression.
At a common sense level the power of ‘sorry’ is easy to understand. It’s doing it that’s the hard bit. In all but the closest relationships apologies are pretty rare. Apologising in the domestic, business or community context can be just as awkward as in the public sphere. Our baggage: status, position, credibility, and personal self-esteem, combine to block us. And as suing gains popularity, apologising loses it. We don’t say ‘sorry’ in case admitting guilt will lead us to a law suit.
Apologies matter for two reasons, says Holly Weekes in the Harvard Business Review. “First, they mend relationships. When an offense has torn the fabric of a relationship, an apology is a stage in its repair. Second, apologies mend the transgressor’s reputation. Following an offense, some people …may have concerns and doubts …. An effective apology can reassure people that the transgression is understood and not likely to be repeated”.
Emotional truth is what gives apologies their power, but emotions can also get in the way. It’s hard to say that we messed up – our pride stops us. If we did something cruel or careless or dumb, we feel embarrassed. Apologising can stir up feelings of distress that we would much rather leave undisturbed. And if we did something wrong, the other person probably did too. Sometimes we’re so mad with them that what we did seems justified.
Even if your heart wants to say ‘sorry’, working out the words is a challenge. How you approach it will depend on the relationship you’re in. What you say to your wife/husband/kids (yes – you can apologise to your kids) is going to be different from what you say to your colleagues, boss, staff or people you’re not so involved with – neighbours and acquaintances for example. It gets more complicated if you are expected to apologise because of your role, rather than for something you’ve personally done. This happens to CEOs and politicians, and is the domain of crisis communication consultants and professional advisors….
Like any communication, to make an apology you’ll need to be clear about what matters to your audience, and what you want to communicate. What’s gone wrong? Why? What outcome do you want as a result of the apology?
To be effective an apology needs three things:
1. Acknowledgment of the fault. A description of what you did that was wrong and what ‘code’ was broken. When you explain, avoid making excuses or justifying yourself, it’s important to show your reasons for doing what you did, but also to own your mistakes.
2. Regret. The healing begins when the wronged person senses your emotion is honest. To say sorry properly, you have to mean it. Time’s list of the ten best apologies – mostly celebrities who need to repair their reputations for PR reasons, is chock full of formulaic insincerity – a great guide to what not to do.
3. An offer of reparation: Finding a way to make good will mean a lot to the offended person.
Rudd’s apology to the Stolen Generations
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